I was loathe to be direct when I was young, but by the time I was in my late twenties, I would knock on the doors of neighbors to let them know they were making too much noise. I would (more than once) walk into the office of a manager or boss, close the door behind me, and let them know that something was bothering me, even if that something was the boss themselves. At a work dinner, I overheard an executive encourage a new employee to let him know if there was anything work-related that she wasn’t happy with. I then jokingly chimed in, “Can I let you know, too?”
The executive then said, “I’m sure you will, Margery.”
In other words, I learned to not be passive-aggressive. Most employees won’t be direct. You can’t train managers to read minds, but you can train them to keep their ears open for subtle slights and digs, and then to open a conversation.
Laughingly Said, Literally Meant
Years ago, I shared an idea for a session at a conference to promote the publication I then worked at. A more aggressive colleague jumped in and tried her best to co-op the idea. After she was finished, she smilingly chirped in a sing-song voice, “See how easy it is to steal someone’s idea?” She did not, at least at that time, manage to “steal” the idea, but she was obviously proud of the bold attempt. I was friendly with her, so I laughed it off. Our boss hadn’t picked up on a problem here, so he moved on to other subjects.
A manager who had been trained to recognize these subtle hostilities would have spoken to her one-on-one after the meeting. “Janet, I thought that what you did in there, trying to co-opt Sara’s idea was not collegial. It seemed like an attempt to undercut, rather than support, a colleague. To be clear, we’re not competitors in this department. We’re all part of the same team. It would have been more productive to hear your ideas for how you can help Sara make her idea a success or maybe share your thoughts on a complementary program you could spearhead.”
Thinly Veiled Resentment
Sometimes an employee will repeatedly make snide comments targeting a colleague. The same person, “Janet,” who attempted to co-opt my idea in that long-ago meeting couldn’t control herself from making snarky comments. The work group I was in at the time enjoyed generous cocktail hours. Some members of our group, typically the men, would drink so much I would wonder they were still standing by the end of the evening. I would have one or two cocktails, at the most. In this atmosphere, Janet decided to focus her attention on me, sneering that my choice of an espresso martini was “very on brand.” Now, years later, I promptly would have asked, “So, Janet, what’s my brand?” At the time, I laughed and let it go. On another similar evening, after my return from the restroom, she said to me, as if she had caught me red-handed, “Feeling better?” Yet, I wasn’t sick and hadn’t expressed not feeling well.
A boss who overheard these kinds of comments might have taken Janet aside at the end of the evening. “Janet, do you have concerns about Sara’s drinking? It seems to me she hasn’t imbibed a particularly large amount this evening or any other evening we’ve shared with her so far. I think some of us have far surpassed her. What’s really going on here? Is there something you want to say?”
At that point, the snarky employee will be forced to either put up or shut up, as they say. In some cases, there can be a real issue the passive-aggressive employee wants to address, such as a colleague who is not pulling their weight or one who frequently falls through on important assignments. Many other times, though, the passive-aggressive comments will tie to nothing more than competitiveness, or even jealously and resentment.
Creating a Culture of Direct Communication
At the outset of their jobs, managers should be trained to have a conversation with their work group about the importance of direct communication: “If you are dissatisfied with me, the company, or especially, one of your colleagues, express your concerns or what is bothering you. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to your colleague, come to me. I won’t tolerate gossiping, snide remarks, or repeated attempts to undercut a colleague. If I notice any of that behavior, I will speak to you about it. If the behavior persists, it will be grounds for starting the process toward termination.” This may seem like a harsh warning to give, but it beats employees enduring a workplace with undercurrents of hostility.
What is the most effective way to train managers to foster a culture of direct communication?