The conversational skill of empathic acknowledging may be viewed as consisting of two components: empathic listening and acknowledgements. The purpose of this type of listening is to “tune in to the thoughts and feelings of the person talking.” An example is my listening to Teri enthusiastically tell me about a new word processing computer program. As I listen, I’m thinking:
- Teri obviously enjoys teaching this program.
- Perhaps she would enjoy teaching any subject.
- She seems impressed by this new version.
All of the above thoughts stem from my “tuning in” to Teri’s enthusiasm.
Ordinary Listening
The purpose of this type of listening is to understand and/or remember information. Thus, another label for it could be “listening for information.” That is, I’m listening to Teri’s presentation to receive information about the program in order to learn how to use it. While listening, I’m thinking:
- This new version doesn’t differ much from the old one.
- I don’t understand the new way of formatting a page.
- I have other questions to ask Teri.
Difference between Empathic and Ordinary Listening
The purpose of ordinary listening is understanding the program Teri is presenting, whereas the purpose of empathic listening is understanding the meaning to her of the program and of her presentation about it. The meaning to Teri would consist of items such as:
- Her attitude about teaching
- How she feels about teaching this program
- Her evaluation of the program
Another way of explaining the difference is that ordinary listening focuses on the program, whereas empathic listening focuses on the presenter of information about the program.
Empathic Listening, Ordinary Listening, and Psychotherapy
I used both types of listening with my clients when I was providing psychotherapy. An example will explain using both empathic and ordinary listening in the same conversation during a psychotherapy session.
Suppose Todd consulted me for feeling depressed about his father’s death. During our session, he told me about going fishing with his father, his pride about his father’s reputation as a top-notch plumber, his love for his father, etc. I would view receiving Todd’s information about his father as equally important as receiving information about Todd (for example, from noticing the sad expression on his face when he tells me he misses his father greatly).
The empathic and ordinary listening used by professionals conducting psychotherapy is common during discussions between them and their clients. By contrast, I have observed that, in conversations outside of psychotherapy, the participants used mostly ordinary listening—to obtain information about the subject of the conversation.
Focusing, Empathic Listening, and Meditation
If you’re interested in meditation, a short detour to one similarity between it and empathic listening might expand your comprehension of empathic listening.
A central activity of empathic listening is paying attention to the person conversing with us—his words, feelings, facial expressions, etc. We try to avoid thinking about, for example, our forthcoming vacation when our conversation partner is describing his vacation plans. Or thinking about our fear of skydiving when a friend is describing her joy during a recent skydive; we try to focus on her joy, not on our fear.
An example of focusing during meditation is a method my wife was taught in a meditation class—to notice the characteristics of a lit candle in a room with no other source of illumination, such as the candle’s changing colors, flickering, and intensity; not to think about anything else.
I once participated in a workshop on Buddhism during which I was instructed to meditate by paying attention only to my breathing and saying to myself the following: “breathing in,” “breathing out,” “breathing in,” etc.
You might improve your empathic listening skill if you think of it as a type of meditation, with the focus being on the person talking instead of on, for example, a lit candle in a dark room. I like to think of the word, “focusing,” as central to the activity of “paying attention.”
Excerpt from Chapter 4 of “Win Friends and Customers: Relationship and Business Success from Empathic Acknowledging” by Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D. (4444publishing, 2014). For more information, visit http://www.amazon.com/Win-Friends-Customers-Relationship-Acknowledging/dp/0990775402
Lawrence J. Bookbinder, Ph.D., practiced clinical psychology for more than 30 years, supervised other clinical psychologists, authored and coauthored 10 professional articles, conducted empathic acknowledging workshops, and was elevated from Member to Fellow of the American Psychological Association’s Division of Psychotherapy
