“Well, look at that, you taught me something,” a former boss said to me. And the implication I took from that? “It’s extraordinary that someone as lowly and ignorant as you could teach someone as learned and distinguished as me anything.”
“People find you less intimidating,” he said to me once when we were trying to snag man-on-the-street, or man-in-the-hallway, interviews at a conference. My interpretation of this comment: “You’re not as impressive and formidable as I am.”
His comment to me after I was chosen to serve on a jury in a criminal trial: “I’ve been trying to get onto a jury for years. It seems like if you’ve ever read a newspaper they don’t want you.” My takeaway: “The lawyers obviously chose you because they found you to be ignorant enough to be easily swayed.”
I would classify these comments as microaggressions. Another way to think of them is as left-handed compliments. If you think about them in a positive light, you could interpret them as compliments, but if you’re honest with yourself, the comments don’t trigger a feeling of being complimented.
Microaggressions Don’t Have to Mean the End of Positive Relationships
The MIT Management Sloan School recently posted a piece on research it conducted showing that microaggressions don’t have to torpedo workplace relationships. The article is based on findings from a new paper co-authored by MIT Sloan School of Management assistant professor Basima Tewfik and Harvard Business School assistant professor Summer Jackson.
MIT Management Sloan School examples of microaggressions include: “You don’t sound Black.” “You should smile more often, sweetheart.” “You’re so brave for dealing with your handicap.”
The research suggests that these unfortunate comments don’t have to mark the end of the relationships—if both what the researchers call the “target” of the microaggressions and the “perpetrator” have a preexisting positive relationship and are open to hearing each other’s feelings.
“A natural reaction for a lot of us is to be self-protective, but if you want to get to a better place, you have to take a more proactive role and get to a less protective space, and it can happen,” said Tewfik…
“Meanwhile, a perpetrator’s response is critical,” added Jackson. After they commit an alleged microaggression, some perpetrators interpret targets’ self-protective reaction as a threat to their own self-image. If that happens, they might respond with hostility or withdraw. The same factors for perpetrators as for targets play a part in perpetrators’ response, according to the researchers.”
Finding the Right Thing to Say in Response to a Microaggression
Instead of rolling my eyes and adding the offense of my boss’ comments to the grievances building inside of me, I should have said something to clarify what he meant.
“Actually, I think we can both teach each other things,” I should have responded after he said he was surprised I had taught him something. “Learning between a boss and employee should work in both directions, don’t you think?”
When he made the comment about how much more intimidating he was, I should have asked: “Why do you feel you’re more intimidating than me?” Knowing him, he probably would have committed a secondary microaggression that would have had to be further unpacked. What if he then said: “Because you’re a woman”?
Well, then, I suppose I could have said: “There are many women in this world who are quite intimidating, including business and world leaders.” I could have pointed to former German Chancellor Angela Merkel and former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
Lastly, the comment about how he had never served on jury because it was apparent that he was a well-informed person could have been answered with: “Actually, I read more than one newspaper regularly and books, too. It didn’t seem like ignorance was the main criteria to get chosen for the jury.”
Acknowledging When It Isn’t Worthwhile to Salvage a Relationship
If the microaggressions continue, and happen frequently, the “target” might have to acknowledge that it isn’t possible to have a positive relationship with the “perpetrator.” They may need to keep their interactions with this person as brief as possible, discouraging anything more than the bare minimum of communication and in-person time.
I did that. I cut my losses after about five years of tolerating too many microaggressions and aggravations, and I stopped chatting with my former boss. I fulfilled my obligations as an employee and responded to his questions, I but decided that there would be no friendship element to our relationship.
Teaching Employees to Recognize Microaggressions
Microaggressions often can be avoided if potential perpetrators are taught what microaggressions are and why they are harmful, and instructed to never commit them while on duty for their jobs—or, ideally, at any time.
Do you teach employees how to recognize a microaggression and how to avoid becoming a perpetrator?