A few months ago, my article for “Leading Edge” was titled “How Prepared Are You to Coach about Grief at Work?” Since that article, a well-known and beloved CEO in my community died by suicide. Since his role was visible and respected within the community, tributes and memories flooded social media. His two-hour celebration of life was standing room only in a packed auditorium and live streamed. Many are still reeling from the shock of the loss of this influential and respected leader.
Much has been written about how workplaces have changed over the last several years and mental health awareness is being given more attention. Particularly with the younger generations, there is a growing willingness to discuss mental health challenges because of the pandemic, social media issues, and the epidemic of loneliness. What is not being talked about much is how these changes have increased our expectations of leaders (and the weight of those expectations). We know COVID required pivoting to more virtual work and less direct contact. We also know the workforce is increasingly polarized, which can mean leaders are spending more time managing conflict and team cohesion.
All these shifts in the workplace demand higher-level emotional skills from leaders. Yet, leaders are still tasked to drive performance, while providing empathy, compassion, and support that is often outside of work and more personal. That is a lot of pressure. While the emotional demands are higher than ever, many leaders have not been given the training and resources to be successful with these shifts.
Some progress is being made, but not enough. Far too many leaders push themselves to the point where their life is adversely affected—which can have tragic consequences.
Emotional Labor and the Modern Leader
For my podcast, I interviewed Dina Denham Smith, author of “Emotionally Charged: How to Lead in the New World of Work.” Smith uses the phrase, “emotional labor,” to describe the leadership work that is needed now more than ever. She defines emotional labor as the emotional skills needed to be effective in this new workplace. “There is a paradoxical expectation of leaders. They need to be humble but confident. Inspired yet grounded. Drive results but be sensitive and compassionate. Be authentic and human but composed. Leaders make hard decisions that affect the lives of others, and this work can affect the lives of leaders.”
Where is the well in well-being for leaders? Smith is on a mission to bring awareness and recognition of this emotional labor required now of leaders. “Nowhere on a leader’s job description do you see ‘Perform endless emotional labor.’ This has not been discussed much. When it is unacknowledged and leaders are not trained in emotional labor, they can behave reactively in ways that damage their performance, relationships, and their own health,” Smith told me.
It would seem logical that leaders should receive as much support as they are expected to give. One leader told Smith, “The empathy is running downhill in spades, but I don’t see it running uphill.”
How Can Leaders Take Better Care of Themselves?
When I asked Smith her advice for leaders, she shared three tools leaders need to build into their toolkit.
- Reflect: Process emotions not repress. “Emotions are like beachballs. You can only hold them underwater so long before they pop out!” Talking it out with a coach or writing in a journal helps release emotions rather than bottle them up.
- Reframe: Regulate emotions. Reframe ourselves. Self-compassion often is not practiced. When we treat ourselves as we would friends, we become more resilient. More composed. Our performance is amplified. We are more compassionate toward others. Be a kind voice to yourself.
- Restore: Take time to recuperate rather than pushing through. The recovery paradox is that people who most need a break are less likely to take one. There are many ways to refuel ourselves with micro experiences. For instance, you could detach from work with something that is relaxing or engaging, such as a hobby.
Leaders Need to Emotionally Upscale
While we know we need to digitally upscale to stay current, Smith stressed the need to emotionally upscale and pointed out that emotional skills are learnable. “Emotions are not just feelings but are information—data—and should not be ignored.” We need to pay attention to what our body is telling us—both physically and emotionally. Find ways to disconnect and seek solitude. Ask for help before it is really needed. If you don’t know the challenges someone is facing, it is hard to be supportive. Vulnerability is a strength as it shows other employees that leaders are human, too, and not perfect.
Leaders are doing such important work, and they are leaving a legacy daily—a concept I call “Breadcrumb Legacy.” In the CEO’s case, it has been said that he was kind to everyone, put a tremendous amount of pressure on himself to be perfect, and feared letting anyone down.
As my community tries to recover from the loss of a significant leader and wonderful human being, I thought of the need for him to reframe his situation and wish he had treated himself as compassionately as he treated his friends and colleagues.
If you can relate, please remember that no one expects you to be perfect. Yes, an effective leader is kind to others. But remember to be kind to yourself.
