Your employees’ ability to fix interpersonal situations that got off to a bad start is essential to your business. This ability often means the difference between capturing and losing a sale or client. It also frequently means the difference between a high-performing employee being able to keep their job and one who, despite stellar performance, is swiftly dismissed by a new manager they don’t get along with. Or, seen from another perspective, a manager without the ability to turn around difficult interpersonal situations could find they too hastily write off a great employee in their department.
An article from Pollack Peacebuilding Systems by Jeremy Pollack caught my eye: 7 De-Escalation Skills Essential for Defusing Conflict.
Effective Communication
Pollack identifies effective communication as the first key that is pivotal to turning around or “de-escalating” touchy interpersonal situations. “Effective communication is all about conveying your message in a way that diffuses tension and shows you understand what the other person is going through. In the heat of a moment, the way messages are delivered can be just as important as the messages themselves,” Pollack writes.
Over the years in the work world, I have witnessed communication that is less than effective that either did harm or had the potential to do great harm both to the employee and to the organization.
For example, you might have a manager who has obvious hostility to an employee working under them due to a sense of competition with this employee for their shared boss’ favor. It is inappropriate, of course, for a manager to compete with, rather than thoroughly nurture and encourage an employee, but I suspect this is a common scenario. In fact, I witnessed just such a situation: When the adversely impacted employee went to the hostile manager and department head, they were greeted with an unwillingness to discuss the matter. Management gaslighted the employee into thinking it was all in their imagination.
Department heads, or those who are high enough in the organizational hierarchy to manage those who manage others, should be trained to address these situations in which a supervisor is hostile to, or competitive with, one of the employees they manage. They should understand that they can have a conversation with the employee about this difficult situation without undercutting, or being disloyal, to the supervisor.
“Cynthia,” the department head, Tom, might say to the employee, “I’m sorry you’re having those feelings. Just the fact that you feel that way is a failure on the part of myself and your supervisor, Sara. Could you give me some examples, or a more specific sense, of why you feel Sara has negative feelings about you? If you can do that, I will have a conversation with Sara. If you’re coming away from your relationship with your supervisor with a feeling that she does not ultimately want the best for you, then we have a problem.”
The supervisor, Sara, also would need training to have the conversation needed to fix this situation. She might say to Cynthia: “I have learned that you have concerns that I don’t have your best interests at heart in my work with you. I want to discuss with you some of the specific concerns you raised with Tom. We then can figure out how I can do better in my work with you, so you don’t feel anything other than that I am your supporter in your development as an employee, and that I absolutely want you to excel.”
Empathy and Active Listening
Pollack notes the need for “empathy and active listening.” He writes: “Empathy and active listening are pivotal in turning confrontational interactions into collaborative solutions. When you use these skills effectively, you are more likely to connect with the other person on a personal level and show them you are genuinely interested in finding a resolution.”
To me, empathy and active listening means there is no gaslighting—no telling the employee that it’s all in their imagination. If they are feeling the way they do, then that in itself signals a problem that isn’t theirs alone; it’s also the problem of those who manage them.
When a new manager and employee are at loggerheads, it can be hard without guidance from a Human Resources representative or Learning professional to consider the other person’s perspective.
An employee who feels their new boss is micromanaging them or treating them in a more authoritarian way than they like may not realize how insecure and stressed out the new boss feels in their new role. They may be over-asserting themselves to compensate or fix that feeling of insecurity.
The new boss, on the other hand, may need to have it pointed out to them that the employee they just started managing is not used to their management style. Their old boss may have been the opposite in managerial style. That means the new boss will need to be empathetic and patient in waiting for the employee to transition to having a more hands-on boss.
Beware of the Signs of Escalation
Department heads, managers, and employees themselves need training to recognize a situation that is quickly escalating.
That means, for example, that instead of taking the time and care to discuss concerns directly with an employee they have just started managing, a new boss immediately goes to the department head, declaring, “I don’t think I can work with Judy.”
A well-trained department head then would respond: “I’d like you to try speaking to Judy directly about this. She probably doesn’t understand that you are feeling highly dissatisfied by her attitude toward you as her new boss. I think, based on her impressive track record with us as an employee, that if you speak to her directly about the changes you would like to see, that she will turn around her approach to working with you. We always want to be direct in how we communicate with people before taking this to the next level. It’s amazing what a little communication, empathy, and active listening, can do.”
Do you train employees at all levels in your organization on how to turn around challenging interpersonal situations?