Since you first learned about Freud and what he called the ego, id, and superego, you’ve heard the idea that there’s more to you than meets the eye. You might have come across newer ways to name different parts of you: the inner critic; the people-pleaser; the perfectionist; the inner child. Or this concept might seem completely new to you. You might wonder whether distinct “parts” of you even exist.
They really do.
See if this helps.
Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying anything like this?
- I don’t know why I said that—I didn’t mean it.
- That was strange—something just came over me.
- Where did that come from? I didn’t know I felt so strongly.
- I just wasn’t myself.
- I’m sorry. I’m really not like that.
If you recognize any of these thoughts, then you might ask yourself, who or what “comes over you” in those moments? If you weren’t yourself, then who were you? Is it possible that one of your internal negotiators took center stage, if only for a minute?
Recognizing how this works is not only a sign of positive mental health. It also opens the door to using the range of your potential in targeted ways. As you get to know your inner negotiators, you’ll expand your profile. Then you’ll get better outcomes, because you’re using strengths and skills you’ve never put to good use before.
Over time, as you become more familiar with deactivated sides of you, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can master the skills that belong to the inner negotiators you’ve newly taken on board.
To help people develop as leaders, I focus on a group called The Big Four. They are:
- Your Dreamer
- Your Thinker
- Your Lover
- Your Warrior
What the Big Four cover is the basic ground you need to succeed at work and at home. The Big Four are universal, and relevant to the way you function every day. They’re also most likely to trip you up if you don’t see them coming.
Since I consult to a lot of businesses, I sometimes describe the Big Four as a leadership team, occupying your internal executive suite:
- The Chief Executive Officer: CEO, or Dreamer
- The Chief Financial Officer: CFO, or Thinker
- The Vice President of Human Resources: The VP of HR, or Lover
- The Chief Operating Officer: COO, or Warrior
Sitting around a conference room table, these leaders would bring their own expertise and priorities to the conversation. If anyone missed the meeting, the team would make decisions that lacked a perspective vital to the company’s success.
Without the CEO, they could miss the bold vision that’s essential to an innovative strategy. No CFO, and the budget collapses. Without HR, the right people don’t get hired or developed. If the COO’s absent, it’s all talk and no action.
A business will find itself in trouble if it doesn’t envision possibilities, can’t appreciate a 360-degree perspective, fails to care for its people, or turns in lackluster performance. This is true for you, too.
Whether you’re leading a team or running a household, the sides of you expressed by these inner negotiators help you succeed indifferent ways.
Sometimes you roll up your sleeves and keep working until you finish your memo for a client. Or you crosscheck every name on the list and every table assignment before your family reunion, to make sure no one gets left out, or seated next to the wrong cousin. Maybe your business partner calls and asks you to fly to Paris for a one-day meeting—on your daughter’s birthday.
Here, you want your Warrior in the lead.
Sometimes you have a family member with special needs—an older parent who can’t live alone anymore, or a sibling who’s confided in you about struggling with addiction. There’s a lot to figure out, such as how to pay for assisted living, or how to help your sibling get into recovery while respecting his or her privacy. At work, you make judgment calls all the time: about contract terms and conditions; how to comply with regulations; making fair work schedules that divide weekends and holidays among the staff; whether to lower your prices; to name a few.
Here, you need your Thinker at the helm.
Sometimes you have the chance to land a valuable new client. To get their business, you need to show you really understand their business issue and why it matters to them to fix it now. You only have one shot to build rapport and earn their trust. At home, you need strong listening skills, too, if you’re talking to your sister whose spouse just walked out, or your co-chair of the annual All-School Dinner who wants to step down.
Here, you want your Lover out in front.
At other times, you need all of your imagination, to plan the most memorable 50th birthday party for your best friend, or design the best costumes ever for the Pirates and Princesses Parade. You need vision to come up with your third career after you “retire.” At work, you need to picture the future: to innovate the products and services people will want a few years down the line; to hire and develop talent today that you’ll need tomorrow; to inspire your workforce; to refine your strategic direction.
Here, you should call on your Dreamer first.
Ideally, you have the Big Four operating within you in balance. Then you can call on each one when the time is right. In reality, very few of us have easy access to all four. In any given situation, all four inner negotiators are available to us in theory. But we’re unlikely to make a real choice that considers all of them. We become increasingly skillful as we call on more of them, and learn to use more of them, comfortably and effectively.
Adapted from “Winning From Within” by Erica Ariel Fox (reprinted courtesy of Harper Business, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers, 2013). For more information, visit http://www.winningfromwithin.com.
Erica Ariel Fox teaches negotiation at Harvard Law School, and is founder of the Harvard Negotiation Insight Initiative (HNII) and the Global Network for Negotiation Insight and Exchange (GNNIE). Fox works with senior leaders around the world with her partners at Mobius Executive Leadership, and she is also a senior advisor to McKinsey Leadership Development. Mixing nearly two decades of experience with business leaders and a personal touch, Fox brings a unique voice to the conversation about leading wisely and living well. A member of the Core Faculty for the American Institute of Mediation and a board member of the Harvard Mediation Program, she received her undergraduate degree from Princeton University and her law degree from Harvard Law School.
