Grief is a universal experience, yet the workplace culture is not very friendly to employees suffering loss. Grief and loss are interrelated, and employees are facing many losses. COVID-19 was devastating in ways many people still haven’t grappled with. In 2020, COVID-19 ranked as a leading cause of death. At times, it was “the leading cause of death.” In addition to physical deaths and the related grief and trauma, the pandemic only magnified all losses. While the costs and losses of the pandemic have lessened, grief continues to remain a part of life.
Cal Newport in his book, “Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World,” points out the paradox of loss: “There is an unspoken rule that we can speak about the meaning work provides, but we do not know how to discuss the loss of meaning,” especially when the work is lost.
Talking about loss in the workplace is not the norm even though many aspects of life involve a loss or can trigger a sense of loss. While death is a profound and traumatic loss, it is not the only occasion for grief. We can mourn the loss of anything to which we have become attached: a pet, a job, a home, a way of life. Grief causes emotions that affect workplace productivity, growth, and satisfaction. Your grieving team member may find themselves in a kind of snowball—the grief on its own can lead to poor performance, and poor performance can bring down their mood or outlook even more. A leader who understands how to make space for grief, give their people grace, and still keep the workplace moving can make a tremendous difference.
It Is OK to Not Be OK
In a recent New York Times article, Gary Greenberg outlined how the opportunities for loss and grief seem to be multiplying because of “war or climate change, polarized and paralyzed politics, and these calamities seem to threaten the foundations of our cultural, political, and natural worlds.”
Yet, most leaders are not prepared to coach and mentor about grief. Leadership programs do not usually teach skills to cope with loss and grief. When leaders are not prepared to deal with their own grief, they are less capable to address grief with their direct reports and others. The first step is becoming aware of the need to develop these valuable skills.
This is a topic leaders need to become comfortable addressing with employees. We are all struggling at one time or another regardless of whether we are a CEO or hourly worker. For all of us, it is OK to not be OK.
In “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief,” David Kessler, an authority on grief, says: “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”
Few leaders understand or have training to equip them to deal with loss and grief or other life events that manifest grief responses—serious illness; divorce; or the death of a spouse, partner, friend, or pet. Therefore, it is essential for current and future leaders to learn how to transform grief into compassion and empathy (for themselves and for their followers).
Interestingly, loss is even associated with many positive life events that are celebratory such as promotions and weddings. These positive events can be accompanied by a grieving process for the way life used to be and how relationships change. Future leaders need to learn how to be fully present without feeling as if they need to provide answers or advice.
Gianpiero Petriglieri and Sally Maitlis’ article in Harvard Business Review, “When a Colleague Is Grieving: How to Provide the Right Kind of Support,” describes how many workplaces handle grief by quantifying grief with bereavement policies. While this is necessary, employees need more from leaders to work through their grief. “Managers come to work prepared to celebrate births and birthdays, and even to handle illnesses, but when it comes to death, they fall silent and avert their gaze.”
3 Practices Leaders Can Adopt
Helping grieving workers involves some simple, but profound and often uncomfortable practices. Petriglieri and Maitlis advocate leaders adopt these three practices:
- Be present. Don’t try to “fix” anything. Pay attention. Reach out to employees. Demonstrate that they are valued and supported and that you care.
- Be patient. Grief can cause performance to be inconsistent. Ask caring questions and listen. Learn “the capacity to listen and to offer people permission to be both a functioning employee and an incredibly sad, grief-stricken human being at the same time.”
- Be open. Share a personal story of a loss to empathize and show vulnerability. The best way to help people talk about their loss is to model the behavior. This also creates psychological safety and builds trust.
We are living and working at a time of innumerable variables that can cause anxiety, grief, and a sense of helplessness. Now is the time for leaders to put empathy into practice to humanize the workplace.
