We all need to influence people sometimes. But most of us need to be better at it.
Whether at work or in life, on issues big or small, people seek to change minds as a matter of course. What’s more, the vast majority have good intentions and genuinely want to influence people, not manipulate them.
But what’s the difference between influence and manipulation? How can you distinguish between them? And how, in the real world, can you know for sure you’re not crossing a line?
Rob Jolles, a global expert on influence and persuasion, has devoted his life’s work to discovering the answers. A speaker, trainer, and best-selling author, Jolles has spent 30 years teaching people of all stripes, from sales reps to soccer moms, how to influence others. He illuminates his work with original research—his ongoing study, spanning three decades and four continents, on how people make choices and decisions when considering changing their minds.
Influence without manipulation, says Jolles, isn’t a pitch—it’s a process. And Jolles’ process comes with this promise: It is “repeatable, predictable, and measurable.” It is also highly practical; it can be adapted by anyone, at any time, to any situation.
In his new book, “How to Change Minds: The Art of Influence without Manipulation” (Berrett-Koehler, 2013), Jolles uses hundreds of personal stories—some humorous, all heartfelt—to show how to create positive change with others. Step by step, he teaches how to establish trust, create urgency, gain commitment, initiate action, overcome objections, and more.
There’s no sugarcoating it: The most challenging part of influencing is asking the more difficult questions. These are the questions that are sometimes referred to as “pain” questions. In the end, success or failure often comes down to one thing: Can you create pain without creating conflict?
I received an e-mail from a former client I deeply respect. She wrote that she had just asked some of those “pain” questions to a client, successfully. The process of forcing her client to look at the most difficult aspects of his resistance to change, however, made her “feel a little mean.”
Those four words made me stop what I was doing, take a deep breath, and swallow hard. At that moment, I had to accept the fact that I had failed my client. I had failed to teach this person the most important lesson I could ever teach her. When you force someone to answer a difficult question—a question that makes another person feel the pain of not taking action—you are not being aggressive.
You are, in fact, being empathetic.
I’ll go a step further. I firmly believe it’s one of the most sincere acts of kindness you can offer another human being. We’ve all seen people who are struggling at home or at work, and we want to help them. Anyone can come to the rescue with his or her wonderful ideas that dictate what the other person should do. It’s a comfortable conversation, but it never creates change. It’s the tougher road, but, ultimately, the one that gets you to your destination.
It hurts to be asked where their children are when people are fighting with their spouse, but the answer can lead a couple to therapy. It hurts to be asked what impact not supporting a corporate directive could have on a new, starry-eyed manager, but the answer can save a career.
The process of influence isn’t ruled simply by a tactic. It must be accompanied by an emotion. That emotion is one of empathy. You have to believe in the tough questions you ask, and then you will succeed. You’ll succeed in the art of influence, and you’ll succeed because you are exemplifying the art of caring about another person.
When you ask difficult questions, it is never out of meanness. Think of it as compassionate and possibly life changing. Once confronted with the tragedy so many endure because of their inability to make tough decisions on their own, you see that these questions are, in fact, merciful.
If you can cross this bridge, and believe, then in the end, you’ll get to do what so many cannot: You’ll save things.
You get to save both people and businesses, because the path you took required discipline and courage. The results you initiated changed another person’s life. You were the one who helped someone move past his or her fear of change, and into the future. Doing something like that is never mean. It’s quite the contrary. It’s merciful, and it is something to be profoundly proud of.
Excerpt from “How to Change Minds: The Art of Influence without Manipulation” by Rob Jolles (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc., June 2013). For more information, visit http://amzn.to/173utOF
A speaker and best-selling author, Rob Jolles teaches, entertains, and inspires audiences worldwide. Jolles draws on 30 years of experience to teach people how to change minds. His live programs reach groups of all types in North America, Europe, Africa, and Asia. By showing participants not just how to but also why to influence people, he stirs individuals and organizations to create real, lasting change. Today, Jolles’s keynote addresses and workshops attract many diverse audiences, from Global 100 companies to growing entrepreneurial enterprises, from parents to professional negotiators. His best-selling books, including “Customer Centered Selling: Sales Techniques for a New World Economy” (Simon and Schuster, 2009) and “How to Run Seminars and Workshops: Presentation Skills for Consultants, Trainers, and Teachers” (Wiley, 2005), have been translated into more than a dozen languages. His new book is “How to Change Minds: The Art of Influence without Manipulation” (Berrett-Koehler, 2013). For more information, visit http://jolles.com
