The best therapists find that their clients become incredibly loyal to them, and that those clients don’t believe another therapist could understand them as clearly.
The best managers find the exact same thing.
I’ve worked with dozens of managers at Microsoft, and without fail, the most successful managers have teams of loyal employees who simply don’t believe any other manager could understand them as well.
Great managers—and great therapists—inspire that deep loyalty by doing the same thing.
They listen.
Why Listening Is Harder Than You Think
Therapists are paid, essentially, to listen and to understand. They focus their attention on their clients, and when they ask questions, their intent is not to challenge or criticize but to understand their client’s perspective more completely.
Listening creates a connection and inculcates respect. Listening poorly, on the other hand, ruins relationships.
Most of us don’t listen to understand. We listen while we’re waiting for our turn to speak. The worst part is, other people can tell when we’re doing this.
Psychologically, the sense that those we care about aren’t really listening to us is extremely painful, as is the sense that those who have listened to us may cease to do so.
A sympathetic ear can be a powerful force in generating and cementing meaningful relationships, and its lack is the greatest barrier to creating a sense of understanding and cooperation.
Dr. John Dewey, one of America’s most profound philosophers, said, “The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature.” This is as true in a business context as it is in a personal context. Mary Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics, echoed Dewey’s words, saying:
“Make people feel valuable. Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, ‘Make me feel important.’”
All of this points to one thing: Being an effective manager comes down to being an effective listener.
How to Listen Like a Pro
When I’m conducting one-on-ones with team members at Microsoft, I always approach them with the intention to import anxiety and export energy, by which I mean that I look to understand the employee’s worries and concerns, and give them understanding, support, encouragement, clarity, and whatever resources they need to succeed.
Typically, I find that people enter these one-on-ones with frustrations and anxieties they want to discuss. I’m happy to address those challenges and offer advice where appropriate, but it’s more important to me that they leave the room energized, refocused, and ready to carry that energy to other people in the organization.
To do that, I focus primarily on what Edgar Schein called “pure inquiry.” I encourage employees to lead the conversation by asking them questions such as: “Where would you like to start?”
The day-to-day stresses of employees are important, naturally, but creating the space in which pure inquiry can take place often leads indirectly to much better performance, by bringing sticking points to the surface.
Pure inquiry tends to drive more constructive thinking and lead to creative solutions, by helping people focus on their own situation and areas in which they can improve. It invites reflection and instills in people the belief that they can address their own challenges, rather than always relying upon their boss for solutions.
Why Listening Isn’t the Same Thing as Being a Push-Over
None of this is to suggest that empathy alone is sufficient. It’s still important for employees to be focused and productive, and it’s still important for managers to take a lead where necessary.
The key is for managers to enter into conversations with the understanding that, in a complex business environment, they do not have all the answers, and that open-ended questions are a means of determining both what they don’t know, as well as how they can help.
In difficult situations, for example when an employee is performing poorly, listening to understand can be a lot more effective than simply reprimanding the employee. In fact, bringing performance up to standard is a key part of caring about employees and encouraging loyalty.
A little tough love at the right time can prevent a negative situation from escalating and salvage a working relationship that otherwise could have ended with the employee leaving the company.
Employees thrive on accountability and empowerment, and part of a manager’s role is giving them that, even when it includes constructive feedback to help them better achieve their targets or goals.
Excerpt from “LOYAL: A Leader’s Guide to Winning Customer and Employee Loyalty” by Aaron Painter.
Aaron Painter is vice president and general manager at Microsoft in China, as well as the author of “LOYAL: A Leader’s Guide to Winning Customer and Employee Loyalty. “
