After 25 years in the workplace—a true middle-aged person’s perspective—I have observed both highly warm and personal work cultures and highly aloof and formal cultures in which revealing as little about your personal life as possible is the norm.
Lately I have wondered what a work friend is and what it means to have a culture that encourages personal friendships in the workplace. I also have wondered what we can expect from work “friends”?
One Person’s Friend Is Another’s “Frenemy”
I had a work friend for more than 14 years, who I very much trusted. We had many enjoyable times together, talking over long walks and laughing on our own and with other colleagues over long, indulgent dinners. I had her in my home more than once and even had her write me a recommendation so I could get my apartment. I was texting with her when my father died, and she was one of the first people I conversed with outside of my family about his death.
I always invited her to join my meetings at conferences and was happy to help her promote projects from her line of business.
I noticed an undercurrent of competitive feeling from her at times, but I dismissed it because I thought our relationship overall was so pleasant and cooperative. Fast-forward to nearly the end of my tenure at the company, when she became my boss, and I was in for a surprise. It seemed she had only been waiting to edge me out to take control of the business unit I led. It became clear to me that while I thought of us as being friends, she thought of it more as a transactional relationship that was only as deep as the current opportunities allowed. When it became advantageous to undercut me, she didn’t hesitate.
When cultivating a corporate culture, do you want to encourage relationships like the one I (thought) I had with my colleague, or do you want a culture that stresses the importance of creating boundaries to limit an excess of chumminess?
Keeping It Impersonal
There are easy things you can do to facilitate boundaries. One is establishing a culture in which video meetings feature blurred or false backgrounds. When you see a person’s home environment, you gain a window into who they are in their personal life. You may see a dog, cat, or even a child in the background. You may notice a work of art on the wall or a poster of their favorite band. You may simply notice the décor. A blurred or false background makes those openings into a colleague’s personal life impossible. Whether that’s a good or bad thing is up for debate, but if you do decide to instill a personal boundaries-first culture, it’s an easy action to take.
Leaders Model Limited Sharing
I have been part of cultures where everyone knows nearly everything about each other, including the ailments of spouses, the struggles of children, and even the sicknesses of pets. This is a warm culture in which you start to think of your colleagues as your work family. There are great benefits to this. It encourages long-lasting employees who begin to feel they not only have a stake in the organization but in each other.
The downside is even the coziest of work friendship circles is not an actual family. Whereas you are unlikely (I hope!) to end a relationship with a parent due to budget cuts, you may have to end a relationship with a work family member for that reason. The work world sometimes demands brutal choices that a personal relationship with a colleague can make even more heartbreaking than it otherwise would be.
If an organization decides it’s best to avoid a culture of work friends who begin to feel like family, a first step is having leaders who model professional and friendly, but less personal, communication. Instead of sharing that you lost a parent, for instance, you would just say, “I experienced a death in the family.” Instead of sharing a child’s struggle with a particular health condition, you would just say, “I need to leave a little early today.” Or at most: “I have to take my daughter to the doctor this afternoon.”
No matter what you’re going through in your life, you offer as little detail as colleagues need to know.
Use Narrow Channels of Communication
I have worked at companies where we all had each other’s personal phone numbers for texting and calling and did so frequently—even on the weekend and even just to laugh together.
That’s one way of doing things. Another way is to limit the communication channels. Instead of people communicating by text and calls to personal phones, you would have them use a technology such as Slack or Teams.
Knowing the communication is happening via a work, rather than personal, channel can contribute to a more formal, boundary-cognizant culture—if that’s what you want.
Does your organization’s culture blur lines between work and personal relationships? How do you instill the level of friendliness you think is best?