Leaders today contend with a whirligig of people challenges. Whether fielding variable remote teams and policies, answering increasing performance demands, or incorporating artificial intelligence-type efficiencies, we balance dizzying expectations and exigencies. And that’s just today. Tomorrow’s unavoidable squalls may include requests to trim budgets, increase capacity, and “right-size” staffs.
To execute on any one of these requires the equivalent of the gift of tongues. Consider empathy an invaluable assist.
While the leadership toolbox features proven practices, such as creating clarity, building trust, and communicating openly and often, empathy can both ease and strengthen. Precisely why—and how—has everything to do with the way our brains connect us. Therein lies its power—especially if we’re the ones controlling the voltage.
Making Intent Stickier
Though never formally taught, we are expected to just know how to be empathic. It’s obvious when we see it in action; satisfying when we enact it ourselves; and perplexing when we swing and miss. When it lands, empathy makes our intent stickier.
Consider Tony, previously a top performer, who has consistently underperformed. Attempts to understand the whys have included several conversations, some face-to-face, where we’ve communicated our observations, and clearly stated goals and objectives.
Reasonable responses might vary when considering Tony’s legitimate grievances (a sick parent, sabotaging coworker, conflicting feedback from team leads). Those of us more sympathetic convey care and concern. We acknowledge Tony’s predicament and feel genuinely sorry about it. We commiserate while viewing Tony’s situation as, well, Tony’s. After all, our job is to acknowledge, support, and provide some blend of understanding and guidance. If asked how Tony felt as a result, it’s hard to tell; Tony didn’t say. And we didn’t ask. Meanwhile, Tony continues to overpromise and underdeliver.
Those of us choosing a more empathic route attempt to try on Tony’s shoes. Perhaps we conjure our own experience of tending a sick parent or child, observe firsthand that co-worker’s manipulations, feel the pinch of our own conflicting deadlines. We recognize the familiar stomach clench or heat wave as we relate to Tony’s predicament(s). These reactions confirm a perspective-taking form of empathy. An empathic response might sound something like, “I get it, Tony; you’re really struggling with a lot right now. How can I help?” (and mean it).
Even if we haven’t walked the full mile in Tony’s shoes, our attempt to moves us beyond simply feeling sorry (aka sympathy) for Tony.
Empathy to Compassion Throughway
While sympathy allows us to acknowledge the situation, empathy’s grip compels us to act. Our brain registers that grip initially as physical, hence the stomach churn or warm flush, which is our body signaling our brain to respond.
Our empathy may provide just the nudge Tony needs to change something. And just the stimulus our own brain needs to transmit a shot of dopamine—and maybe even oxytocin—the feel-good brain hormones that leave us wanting to do more, not less. The more we fortify our connection with Tony, the more likely we are to act on it, the greater the likelihood that Tony will be motivated to improve. Welcome to the empathy to compassion throughway.
Empathy without awareness, however, can create what social scientists Tal Eyal and Nick Epley call perspective mistaking. Just as our biases are uniquely ours, so, too, are our stomach clenches. My toothache, muscle pain, and indigestion differ from yours. As powerful and important as empathy is, its power diminishes if we assume others, especially subordinates, see or feel things exactly as we do.
When we take (and not mistake) another’s perspective, we form an actual theory about what’s going on with that person, even if, and because, we can’t necessarily see it. We’ve experienced this Theory of Mind, for instance, if we’ve cried when a favored character dies in a novel. Romeo’s self-destruction probably wouldn’t have been as sad had we not witnessed his family struggles, passion for Juliet, and identity conflicts. In other words, myriad subliminal questions needed to be asked and answered for our brain to form enough connection with Romeo to truly empathize. Eyal and Epley call this Q&A process “perspective getting.”
It Takes Two to Tango
Think of empathy as a kind of Tango—it takes two. We see that Tango in good managers, doctors, friends, and therapists. Good leaders don’t just expect or assume others will follow, they Tango with them.
Research also shows that when people higher on the power scale engage in “perspective getting,” individuals with lesser status feel heard. Perspective-getting techniques range from simple curiosity about Tony’s point of view, to disagreeing without threatening and even revealing a bit or our own vulnerability. We express this kind of empathy through phrases such as, “I had that happen to me once, and I was really confused…”
Displaying empathy summons receivers into our “ingroup.” Once “in,” we process their words in the same part of our brains as we process our own thoughts, making us more likely and willing to aid. As psychologist Dan Batson, who has studied empathy for more than four decades, writes in the “Handbook of Positive Psychology,” “Considerable evidence supports the idea that feeling empathy for a person in need leads to increased helping of that person.”
Our perceptions shape themselves around the connections we feel, or don’t feel, with others.
Lisa Feldman Barrett, author of “Seven and a Half Lessons about the Brain,” notes the difficulty of empathizing with people different from us (i.e., not in our ingroup). Studies have found, for instance, that interviewers—even smart and well-meaning ones—tend to prefer job candidates who are like themselves and dismiss those who aren’t. There’s no better way to mitigate our brain’s negative bias than to Tango someone into our ingroup.
As social animals, humans possess the unique ability to think and feel from another’s perspective, to form connections regardless of race, sex, or status. Once connected, we wield the full might of the golden rule. Such is the brain power of empathy.