Narcissism is a hot topic, for reasons I won’t get into. I’ve certainly known people with narcissistic tendencies both at work (not among my current colleagues, I should add) and among my friends and family.
One of my relatives would have been fun to get to know and learn from. He was a larger-than-life character whose personal stories were astounding. When he would tell you of his aircrew experiences in the Second World War—in both Europe and the Pacific—or those from later in his life as a successful lawyer and judge in California, you were riveted. There is no doubt that he could have been a great mentor and friend, but unfortunately it was very hard to learn from him because he didn’t really see or hear you. If you tried to tell him anything about your own life, he immediately would turn the spotlight back onto himself with a story you had heard many, many times before.
We can all exhibit narcissistic behaviors from time to time, and I certainly don’t want to label anyone I’ve known as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Not my place to make a diagnosis, no matter how tempting it might be!
In the workplace, dealing with toxic narcissistic behaviors can be purgatory, particularly when the person exhibiting those behaviors is your boss. Narcissism usually is talked about in relation to high-level managers, but narcissistic behaviors can be demonstrated at all levels. What kinds of behaviors am I talking about?
- Demonstrating a grandiose sense of self-importance, arrogance
- Lashing out at others when their self-esteem seems threatened, even in small ways
- Deflecting blame onto others even if it means lying
- Always needing to be the center of attention (and demanding excessive admiration) for being “special,” “unique,” “brilliant”
- Bragging and demanding excessive admiration
- Dismissing other people’s experiences as worthless or irrelevant
- Demonstrating a strong sense of entitlement
- Having preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success and power
- Being demeaning to others who could take attention away from them
- Always being suspicious of other people’s motives
- Projecting onto others their own typically cynical view of the world
- Lying, cheating, manipulating, bullying, and exploiting to get what they want
- Making important decisions without thinking about the costs or consequences to others
- Excessive need to be in control of situations
- Unfounded confidence
I could go on, but you get the picture. Those exhibiting such behaviors can be very charming and funny, but also highly volatile if their desperate thirst for affirmation is not being quenched.
I know I have exhibited some of these behaviors at different times. I think we all have—or maybe that’s my own narcissism talking! Freud saw narcissism as essential to normal human development, and some psychologists talk of healthy narcissism; a type that enables us to have real feelings of self-esteem and a desire to change the world, while still being able to engage and share in the emotional lives of others.
Whatever the roots of unhealthy narcissism are—a spoiled childhood, dependence on parents and inadequately developed sense of personal responsibility, or compensation for a lonely and deprived childhood—the consequences can be harmful to others (e.g., lower self-worth and burnout) and to the organization (e.g., irrational decision-making and excessive turnover). What can we do to not feel helpless in the face of such behaviors?
Some Tips
- Be prepared to listen a lot; they want your attention more than anything. Smile, nod, and stay calm.
- Set realistic expectations for yourself if you stay. Recognize that you might not receive the championing and support you need to succeed in your own right. Think carefully about your goals and the kind of environment you need to meet them. Keep looking for that better place.
- Don’t think of the person with strong narcissistic tendencies as your friend, no matter how charming and fun he or she can be. Don’t forget you are there to serve his or her needs.
- Don’t share any of your vulnerabilities. They might be used to manipulate or demean you at some point.
- Engage politely and respectfully while maintaining your personal and professional boundaries.
- Communicate assertively without being aggressive; you never want to make them feel they are being attacked as they are likely to become explosive.
- Don’t waste time and energy trying to change them; work on your own self-development.
- Reduce likely resistance to an idea or proposal by communicating early on how it will benefit them personally.
- Use flattery to reduce their insecurity. Present an idea as if they inspired or gave you the idea. That might allow the idea to gain some traction. You might feel this is unfair (and it is), but how important is the idea to the team or the organization?
- Present options rather than conclusions. They like room to maneuver rather than feel tied down by someone else’s thinking.
- Protect your own self-esteem and stay centered by building a supportive network; one that keeps reminding you that you are a doing a great job. Ideally, work at building your self-worth from inside yourself.
- Be very alert. As someone once said, “When a narcissist can no longer control you, they will try instead to control how others see you.”
- Try to find something positive about them, e.g., he or she is only like this in certain situations or will always take control when nobody else will.
- Avoid them if you can or limit the time you spend with them. Alternatively, run away!
- Perhaps most importantly, try to keep your sense of humor. Better to laugh than cry at the absurdities.
Of all the types of people I have worked with in my career, those who behave narcissistically are the most difficult. Never allow yourself to feel helpless or abused. You always have choices, even if at times you feel you don’t.
Terence Brake is the director of Learning & Innovation, TMA World (http://www.tmaworld.com/training-solutions/), which provides blended learning solutions for developing talent with borderless working capabilities. Brake specializes in the globalization process and organizational design, cross-cultural management, global leadership, transnational teamwork, and the borderless workplace. He has designed, developed, and delivered training programmes for numerous Fortune 500 clients in the United States, Europe, and Asia. Brake is the author of six books on international management, including “Where in the World Is My Team?” (Wiley, 2009) and e-book “The Borderless Workplace.”
