A few weeks ago, I was on a trip as a travel writer with an almost wholly delightful group of people. There was, however, one toxic fellow writer among us.
From the outset, she miserably straggled behind as we enjoyed ourselves. She was irritable in places it’s hard to be irritable in, such as in a massage tent alongside a pool at a resort or taking in the view more than 1,000 feet up at a quaint inn.
She was so unhappy and difficult that most in our group couldn’t help talking about it.
Experiencing this difficult personality reminded me of the times in my career when an unpleasant personality attempted to sour an otherwise good work experience. Irritable, difficult people appear at least occasionally in all workplaces, and sometimes we may even become that person ourselves.
Desire for Greater Importance
As we posed for photos at a lookout point on the property of the inn, our troubled colleague—I’ll call her Jane—skulked around, issuing complaints and demands to the kind, even-tempered tourism board representative who organized our trip. “I haven’t eaten all day; my blood sugar is low,” she snapped, though members of the group had seen her eating breakfast a few hours earlier. Jane also noted that she had developed a rash. A retired emergency room nurse, who had since become a travel writer, was in our group, but she refused to get involved. She had experienced this personality type before and knew nothing would be gained by responding to the complaints.
The constant expression of dissatisfaction forced the tourism board to focus on Jane more than the rest of us. She had put a spotlight on herself, creating a situation they couldn’t ignore.
Interestingly, at the end of the lunch at this picturesque inn, we found Jane side by side with the owner of the inn, beaming. She had acted obsequiously to this business owner who hosted us, and elevated (most likely falsely) her own status in the industry. She did the same with the Minister of Tourism who greeted us. Her toxic nature disappeared when in the company of someone who could increase her appearance of importance. When dealing with people who were not seen as socially elevated, such as her writer colleagues or the tourism board representative, she made a problem of herself so she could feel important.
When managing an employee who displays similar tendencies in your office, could a first step to changing their behavior be assuring them that they are respected and important to the company?
A Vicious Cycle: Toxic Behavior, Ostracization, and Greater Insecurity
With such unpleasant behavior, Jane didn’t bond with anyone. At a restaurant, where we placed orders to-go, I thanked Jane when she offered a tip about portion size. She couldn’t return my smile. She seemed confused that someone was thanking her. Like everyone, I kept my distance.
Speaking loudly enough for everyone to hear her on the bus, Jane said while talking on the phone that no one liked her on the trip—which was true, because of her own behavior.
When managing a work group with a toxic personality, the supervisor might consider speaking to not just the difficult person, but to the rest of the group, so a response that reinforces that person’s feelings of insecurity doesn’t occur.
If the situation I had experienced were happening in an office, a supervisor might say to the other employees, “I’m aware of the challenges you are having with Jane right now. I’m working one-on-one with her to see if we can move past this. In the meantime, it would be a huge help if you refrained from gossiping about her. If you could manage it, a smile and a hello to her when you pass her in the hall or see her in one of the common areas would be a big help.”
Tying Ultimate Decision to Person’s Well-Being
Within a few days of Jane’s constant complaining and difficulty with nearly everyone, the organizers of the trip decided to give her what she eventually started saying she wanted—to be sent home.
In an office setting, a decision to part with a person like Jane should be presented as a way to improve a situation that isn’t working versus as a punishment. Ideally, it would be framed that way before such as decision was made to give the toxic personality a chance to choose a different approach.
“Jane, as you’ve expressed, you’re very unhappy here. I have tried as hard as I can to help you feel more comfortable in your role and in our workplace, but I don’t think I’m succeeding. If I’m not able to get you to a place where you can focus more on your work and less on your dissatisfaction, your time with us as an employee may have to come to an end. Can you work with me, so that doesn’t have to happen?”
Do you provide training to managers to enable them to manage toxic personalities with compassion?