Many elements of a healthy relationship are not explicit. They cannot be verbalized as straightforward intentions or actions. Much of what we experience when we engage with others is unspoken or “implicit.” The implicit, while internal, can be read externally and therefore can impact the quality of our relationships. How can we identify and explain these implicit behaviors in ourselves and others? How do they affect our relationships? How can we master the implicit signals that we send and receive to help us create more productive relationships?
Self-awareness is a critical aspect of creating productive relationships. This includes knowing how you react, understanding why you react, and having self-control, all of which enable you to make conscious choices in challenging situations.
The fact that we are, for the most part, suppressing our selfish desires to be a part of a company, team, group, etc., is powerful. What many of us do not understand is why people react strongly to different events, where they feel they are not respected, or something is not fair. It unconsciously pushes buttons in people as it is a part of their programming or socialization as children. Leaders and followers need to understand the dynamics at play, in order to have the self-awareness and self-control to make conscious choices for building strong and respectful relationships.
Relationships matter a lot to most people. We have implicit mental models that unconsciously cause us to react to other people. These mental models begin to form when we are children and can be based on how we were raised, and they continue to develop through our experiences. Our brain creates biological structures that help us handle our relationships. We have unconscious expectations for different relationships in our lives. All of these factors combined to form a platform, on which we set relationship expectations, we master our connections, we build our relationships, and we choose how to behave with other people in different situations.
In the leader-follower relationship, leaders and followers both have set models and particular expectations about the other that may be, for the most part, unconscious. It is not uncommon to hear statements such as ‘I know a good leader/follower when I see one.’
As in any relationship, leaders and followers can make the effort to understand the other person as a foundational step to building a stronger connection. Dr. Malouf’s book illustrates that building a productive relationship is complex and much of it is implicit. Understanding the basics of relationship science, system science, and brain science, are foundational pieces of the human system puzzle. Understanding will help us to better analyze and thus improve the leader and follower relationship.
The Implicit Social Elements® are trust, fairness, self-control, empathy, status, mutual recognition respect, and reciprocity. These elements affect every relationship. They form an unconscious system that uses our implicit knowledge to automatically assess situations and drive how we respond to those situations. Dr. Malouf calls them “elements” because they are the foundation of all relationships. Some are more important than others to different people, so no two people will have the same exact needs.
Below you will find a partial list of the book’s recommendations on positively affecting each of The Implicit Social Elements®. The suggestions are simplistic, and in many cases, commonsensical. In an ideal world, these conversations would work easily. In the real world, however, you can or engage Situation Management Systems Inc. to conduct a survey (Dr. Malouf has developed a validated tool for this survey), or you can have the conversations yourself. You may need an expert in human development or organizational development to help you have these conversations. You can also look for ways to have a conversation while minimizing the risk.
Training in the influence skills that are taught in the Situation Management Systems’ Positive Power and Influence® Program would be tremendously helpful. For some of the implications and recommendations for enhancing The Implicit Social Elements®, the tasks for the leader or the follower are the same and thus there will only be one list for both. For the rest, you will find separate lists.
Items marked with an asterisk (*) are taught in the Situation Management Systems’ Positive Power and Influence® Program.
Let’s start with trust.
Recommendations for Building Trust for Leaders:
Be predictable. People should not have to figure out which personality they are dealing with today. (Self-Control)
Be genuine and authentic.
Admit when you make a mistake and apologize.
Recommendations for Building Trust for Followers:
Be genuine and authentic.
Be as open as you can be, and explain why when you cannot be open.
Admit when you make a mistake and apologize.
Recommendations for Building Empathy for Leaders and Followers:
Be kind, genuine, and caring.
Only make suggestions when asked for ideas.
Anticipate the issues, but don’t push your understanding. Listen* intently.
Recommendations for Building Reciprocity for Leaders:
Surprise everyone and bring in goodies to recognize a good week.
If a direct report does a really good job, recognize it in some way other than an email that says thanks.
If a direct report opens up, is vulnerable, and Discloses* something to you, find something appropriate to genuinely disclose back.
Recommendations for Building Reciprocity for Followers:
Reciprocate gifts, coffee, donuts, lottery tickets, and smiles.
Say positive things about your boss to other people in the organization.
Give your boss the benefit of doubt. They believe in you, so you should believe in them.
Recommendations for Building Mutual Recognition Respect for Leaders and Followers:
You don’t have to win.
Build Common Ground*.
Don’t call people names.
These are some suggestions about how to look at your relationships from the perspective of some of the Implicit Social Elements®. Dr. Malouf has developed a tool that can measure the quality of the relationships in your organization between leaders and followers. You can use it to help understand and improve your company culture. Thriving leader-follower relationships are the hallmark of healthy and productive company culture.
