Feedback is structured information one person offers to another to impact a choice or behavior. The most effective way to give feedback is to offer someone a choice and present yourself as a neutral party. By leaving your bias out of the feedback, you create a judgment-free environment for the person you are trying to advise.
Sometimes it is hard to receive feedback because it can trigger the ego. When someone gives us feedback, our minds think that our infallible image of ourselves is challenged. With this in mind, the first thing to remember is to check if the person you are offering feedback to is ready to receive it. You can monitor body language, tone of voice, and demeanor.
A person in an elevated state of emotion (furious, terrified, depressed) might not be ready to receive feedback unless the situation is an emergency and immediate feedback is warranted. Typically, when in an elevated state of emotion, an individual’s emotions are the loudest thing in the room. They could be frustrated, angry, upset, depressed, embarrassed, or feeling several different emotions. These emotions can steer us down a path of irrational behavior.
Humans are like icebergs, as are the situations surrounding them. What you see at first may not be the whole of what is happening. Someone could appear irate, but it could have nothing to do with your working relationship. Instead, something may have triggered this emotion earlier in the day (or even week or year). Approach everyone you give feedback to as if they are an iceberg. Know there is far more below the surface, and consider this as you deliver structured feedback.
7 Tips for Giving Feedback
- Make the receiver feel safe: By avoiding defensive questions and passive-aggressive tendencies, you can help your receiver feel safe to receive advice. Avoid phrases such as We need to talk or I have something important to tell you. That puts pressure on the moment. Instead, engage the individual in casual conversation. Make sure you choose a private or neutral area to deliver the feedback. This is particularly important if it is negative feedback as you don’t want to embarrass them by talking in front of colleagues,
- Offer feedback on specific and observable behaviors: Feedback is well received when directed at a singular issue. This issue needs to be an observable behavior, not a thought, feeling, premonition, or hearsay. Consider it evidence in a courtroom. It has to be tangible for it to bear any weight.
- Do not advise on personal characteristics or attitude: Have you ever been upset in a situation, and someone said, “You need to change your attitude”? How did that make you feel? In most cases, the ego would be triggered, and the person would get defensive. When you offer advice on personal characteristics or attitudes, you are telling the other party something is inherently wrong with them as a person. Changing your attitude is harder than stopping or altering a troubling behavior.
- Describe the observable behavior: Be as specific and direct as possible. Avoid beating around the bush. Also, make sure you ask the right questions. If you ask someone, “Why do you do that?” you will put them in defensive mode. Perhaps say, “Could you share with me how this behavior makes you feel?”
- Be direct: Avoid small talk when giving feedback. Small talk sometimes can catch the recipient off guard, causing them to be less open to receiving the feedback. There is nothing wrong with a brief chat to begin the conversation, but once you start to deliver the feedback, try to stay on course.
- Avoid generalizations, and the words “need to”: When we say, “need to,” we automatically take the choice out of the advice. People shut down when they hear “need to.” Very few humans on this Earth like being told they have to do something. Keep the ego calm by avoiding those two words. Feedback is far more powerful when a choice arises instead of an ultimatum.
- Be supportive and timely: Feedback is most impactful when it promptly follows an event or situation. This shows that the person giving the feedback cares about the recipient and reinforces that the feedback comes from a good place.
Above all, try to avoid unsolicited feedback. That is advice that comes from generalizations and advice on personality and attitudes. A tangible situation calls for tangible advice. Be direct. Be genuine. Be open to possibilities. Most importantly, remember to be kind. Everyone processes feedback in a different manner.
